Be still my heart

I appreciate the outside perspective stepping in and taking charge of situations sometimes when I need help.  I'm a bit of a spazz when it comes to emotional filter, slow is the step I skip over rushing up the stairs on my way somewhere.  It's either stop or go.  Working on that.  I would like to change that.  I know its not appropriate.  I feel slightly embarrassed for being unable to show restraint.   It's like planting a seed in ground that is softening but not ready for any nutrients or organism to open shop.  It's unhealthy to be so forwards with my feelings.  I'm feeling afraid I'm not doing the right thing.  Today I had a quiz in my math class, this week I got all possible points on the homework quiz.  There were only a few problems on the quiz today that I had difficulty figuring out how to do.  The polynomial factorization with the AC method is always annoying.  I absolutely do not like them.  My room mates seem to be acting different lately, in a good way, like we're getting along and that thick tension isn't there.  I am pretty pleased with that.  I feel like as long as I don't step on any toes and be careful I can stay here longer.  I realized today that a lot of what my room mate may have been doing was just messing with me because for the past month I've been playing passive aggressive chess in the kitchen with items in the dry rack or the towel that hangs off the silverware drawer and I believe that its come down to a tie.  Today there were two pans laid in random places but out of the way and I knew I did not touch those pans because I had ended up buying my own.  I bought my own because I didn't want to have to "not clean it to their standards" and have it placed on the counter or in front of the trash can on the floor to say "hey! you didn't clean this right."  Most likely, this happening is just looney business.  A fabricated assumption that is getting me nowhere with getting along peacefully with my room mates.  Making assumptions is a very hard thing for me not to make because I like to think I'm always right.  I am grateful that I have tools like writing this blog entry to take the power away from my kooky and frenetic mind.  When that part of my mind turns on, its on like Shere Khan, not just your soft hum of the friendly household appliance.  It's loud, it's fierce and it has a gun.  That gun is my fear and it has lazar sight.  I was told by a friend that thinking people are out to get you more than usual can be a side effect of long periods of amphetamine use.  Environment and experience, nature and nurture, together I am a very fearful person and very sensitive.  I know that if I continue upon this path I've found that I will overcome all of this.  It's Friday! That's exciting, in a bit I am going to get some donuts for the boys downtown at the mens meeting to snack on while they get feed with recovery!  I've been getting cookies but it's time to mix it up!  Haha this helped me remember we need some cups as well.  I'm really thankful I will be going to two meetings back to back tonight.  Last week was sort of stressful.  I couldn't find anyone available to come chair the meeting.  I ended up calling a bunch of people from the meeting and eventually it was taken care of.  Anyways, I'm done here, it has served it's purpose.  Evening.