gosh darn it

"You're all I need to get by, like sweet morning dew, I took one look at you and it was plain to see, you were my destiny, with arms open wide, i threw away my pride, I sacrifice for you, dedicate my life to you, i will go where you lead, always there in time of need, and when I lose my will you'll be there to push me up the hill, there's no looking back for us, we got love, sho nuff, that's good enough, you're all, you're all I need to get by
like an eagle protects his nest for you ill do my best stand by you like a tree and dare everybody to try an move me, darling in you i found strength in where I was torn down, dont know whats in store but together we can open any door"
-Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell


Errrrrrrrgh.   I feel really stupid right now.  All my secrets are on the table and the table seems to be tilting with the weight.  I'm willing to do whatever possible to take of some of that weight to make the table stable again.  I was told not to hold back but I realize I need to be more careful.  I need to shut up sometimes and let someone else speak for a while.  Right now, I've got "You Dropped a Bomb On Me" by The Gap Band stuck in my head so I'm listening to it.  Anything to distract myself from feeling shitty or anxious to see the outcome of how something is processed.  I hope it doesn't change anything.  The power of words is incredibly understated.  I guess I just wish I was perfect and didn't have any secrets that stained my character.  I know for damn sure I never want to go back to where I was.  I hated living the way I did.  Back then I had no conscious bearing on my actions pure hedonism but now I feel the guilt tenfold.  What I said was probably the worst thing I've done.  I wish I had just kept to myself for another time when it was more appropriate.  I am working on being more appropriate about telling about myself.  Sometimes it just comes out.  I'm feeling really really anxious right now like theres two cinder blocks on my chest.  FUCK!  Excuse my language.  I need to remember sometimes we get uncomfortable feelings, not everything feels great, happy, joyous and free in recovery.  I need to calm down.  I was freaking freaking freaking the f out.  I was trying to play my cool as best as possible but I was so scared.  I've never been so open and straightforward, if I had a secret that I was afraid would make you run from me I wouldn't say it.  That was the person I was.  The person I am today would kick the person I was yesterday's ass.  I could easily do it with all my working out at the gym. I am ready to rumble. Tag team back again. Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap.  I just feel so emotionally deficient right now.  I feel like crying.  At least I have this outlet of writing, I am starting to feel a little better already.  Writing really takes the power out of something, out of my head.  GAHHHHH!!!!  Bad timing as well, that was really bad timing.  I need to work on that too.  It's easier to say this that do it.  At least I know how to do it now.   The suspense of waiting for the phone is so unbearable right now but I know its necessary.  I don't want to be misunderstood.  Listening to Marvin Gaye really has put me in a better mood.  I am so grateful I don't ever have to be like I was again.