ain't it peculiar

It's amazing how sometimes we can turn a moment into this gigantic, Godzilla of a major disaster, then a few weeks later its barely a footprint on the beach as the tide comes in.   It's insane how we trick ourselves into believing some of the craziest notions through the most irrational reasoning.  I am very blessed today with what I have, I'm getting to work with newcomers and hopefully getting a new service commitment next week at the We Are Not Saints meeting.  Speaking of meetings, I was totally planning to go to one tonight but I've been hardcore working out at the gym because I took yesterday and Saturday off.  I went to meetings both of those days though.  In other news, my roots must remain firmly planted.  I don't always mean to be cryptically arbitrary without providing context but sometimes it is more laconic to just shoot it as it foams off the top of my head.  Anyways, I just felt it was time for an entry.  I am well, no complaints right now.  Currently persuading myself to be less lazy and become more proactive in looking for a job. 

Hummingbird Cake Recipe

I love hummingbird cake and I have not eaten it in a very, very long while.  Years.  I am coming up on one year of being clean and sober, just celebrated 11 months on Monday (well I didn't really do anything to celebrate except buy a new video game).  Anyways, this is a recipe for a cake I will make next month.

Hummingbird Cake: 

1 cup (110 grams) pecans, toasted and finely chopped

3 cups (390 grams) all-purpose flour

2 cups (400 grams) granulated white sugar

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

3 large eggs, lightly beaten

3/4 cup (180 ml) safflower, corn, or canola oil

1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

1 - 8 ounce (227 grams) can crushed pineapple, do not drain

2 cups mashed ripe bananas (3-4 medium sized bananas)

Pecan Cream Cheese Frosting:

1/4 cup (57 grams) unsalted butter, room temperature

8 ounces (227 grams) cream cheese, room temperature

1 pound box (454 grams) (about 3 2/3 cups) confectioners (powdered or icing) sugar, sifted

1 teaspoon (4 grams) pure vanilla extract

1/2 cup (55 grams) finely chopped pecans

Garnish: (Optional)

pecan halves

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C) and place the rack in the center of the oven. Butter or spray two - 9 x 2 inch (23 x 5 cm) round cake pans and line the bottoms of the pans with a circle of parchment paper. 

Place the pecans on a baking sheet and bake in the oven for about 8 minutes or until lightly browned and fragrant. Let cool and then chop finely.

In a large bowl whisk together the flour, sugar, baking soda, salt, and ground cinnamon.

In another large bowl, mix together the eggs, oil, vanilla extract, pineapple, mashed bananas, and finely chopped pecans. Add the wet ingredients to the flour mixture and stir until combined. Evenly divide the batter between the two prepared pans and bake for about 25 to 30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean. 

Remove from oven and let cool on a wire rack. After about 10 minutes invert the cakes onto the wire rack, remove the pans and parchment paper, and then cool completely before frosting. 

Frosting: In the bowl of your electric mixer (or with a hand mixer), beat the butter and cream cheese, on low speed, until very smooth with no lumps. Gradually add the sifted powdered sugar and beat, on low speed, until fully incorporated and smooth. Scrape down the sides of the bowl as needed. Beat in the vanilla extract and then stir in the finely chopped pecans.

To assemble: Place one cake, top side down, onto your serving platter. Spread with about a third of the frosting. Gently place the other cake layer, top of cake facing up, onto the frosting, and spread the rest of the frosting over the top and sides of the cake. Can garnish with pecan halves. Refrigerate the cake for about one hour so the frosting has time to set.

Serves 10 - 12 people.

Hey!

It's been a very long while since I updated.  I wanted to let any readers know that I'm doing well, settled into my trailer.  It took me a while to get internet set up so that was why I did not update for so long.  I am still clean and living life in a healthy productive way.  Had a very good halloween, hope you all did too.  I'm going to be posting more regularly again, just got to get back into the groove.

good day, good night

Well, hello everybody.  I'd like to thank my parents, my friends and all the lives I've touched along the way.  I've been a little quiet, guess you could possibly say I've been waiting for something to write about other than the gym or what games I've been playing or some long drawn out stream of my consciousness of romantic feelings which are present but don't need dire attention.  I am happy to say that today was a better day than the past few days.  The past few days shit hit the fan with a room mate and I, the guy I rent a room from and it ended with me discovering another one of my character defects for my sixth step work as well as me getting kicked out.  Before showing cause for concern, I'll have you know that I've found a place that seems like it will be better.  It's in the same neighborhood, closer to my gym, and about the same price.  I started looking on Craigslist for a place when I realized maybe people in recovery weren't always the best people to live with just because they're "in recovery" doesn't mean they are practicing noticeable spiritual principles.  Sadly, as much as I hoped would be the case, such was definitely NAAAGHHT the case.  I'm not going to go on a rant or talk shit, I have my own things I need to work on as well.  Anyways,  I found a guy renting a 24 ft long trailer in his backyard and have agreed to see it again once I know everything is working including the stoves, bathroom and water.  It's a little bigger than the room I've got now and its self contained!  It's like my own studio apartment and the guy has two fat fats (two fat cats).  He told me that I might even be able to get them to sleep with me in the trailer.  So stoked.  I love having a furball on my bed when time comes to sleep.  Will definitely need to look into a lent roller or 99.  The only downside (or upside?) would be I couldn't have any visitors but that's cool with me because this place would be only temporary for a couple of months until I can find someone in recovery with emotional sobriety.  The trailer is pretty sweet though, it reminds me of this trailer my grandparents used to have at this lake.  Sort of a really comforting feeling it gives me.  Anyways, I can get internet and TV through it as well.  Now I am going to play me some World at War.

Back on track

This whole summer was so slow for me.  I felt an overwhelming tidal wave of anhedonia after the end of it all.  All I did was play video games, lots of, go to meetings, and be incredibly obnoxious over Facebook posting all day about every random thought that passed through my head, I ended up making this blog so that I could still do  that, just not as arbitrarily.  I feel more regular to get up at 7 am even though my class starts at 9:30 I feel like its more relaxing to get extra time to get everything together.  I am considering leaving the place I rent from.  In their defense, they're the best room mates I've ever had, it's just not for me anymore.  Now that I know I am most likely without a doubt sticking around in CA instead of running back to GA with my tail tucked between my legs, I am ready to branch out to a better place for me.  This by no means is to say this is not a good place, it's just not as good for me as I'd like to feel serenity and like a sanctuary. I feel like there aren't as many spiritual principles being put in place and I'm picking up the slack.  I'm not perfect either and sometimes I'm paranoid that I'm being messed with just because they know I'm pretty observant.  Time to make some breakfast! =D

Oh and I remember this funny situation from the beginning of last year where I went over to raving friends house in Alameda and this was around the time I was trying to be something I wasn't and make money in ways I shouldn't.  I remember that I used to stash my stuff in this kind of air vent type of place in the middle console of the Volkswagen Golf I was driving at the time.  I remembered we were doing K and these kids wanted to roll, but being paranoid I had pushed the baggie with the pills in too far and they fell into the inside of the console under the radio in front of the cup holders.  I remember for a while having a go at fetching these out of the car but discouraged I stopped.  These persistent kids though...  At one point all I could see of them from the garage was their legs up in the air while they were upside down with a bone cutting knife trying to pry open the plastic.  Eventually they retrieved the pill baggie and I gave them some for their troubles.  That was around the time I stopped those foolish ventures and went on to bigger and better things (heroin and opiates).  Having had this memory I suddenly had a trigger to want to do ecstasy but I played the tapes of all the times I was rolling and they only one rolling how shitty it was, the times I was trying to have sex with a pretty unattractive girl, the times at big parties where I drank too much on ecstasy and felt pain in my chest but kept on going, the paranoia and fear of always having so much ecstasy on me and the anxiety of waiting for the connection to deliver, getting robbed for pill money at a party by a guy who felt I was stepping on his turf.  Or all the shittiest feelings after in the comedowns.  This list could go on.  I'm just really hungry.

And another thing, a story for all time

I heard a story recently at a meeting that I thought was really quite spiffy.  I was going to try to write it in my own words but I couldn't remember it so that the way I heard it would be they way whoever is reading this will understand it. It's a Native American tale told by a grandfather to his grandson who had a hard day after getting picked on by a group of boorish boys. (Got to use the word I learned to day in a sentences, double whoraw).  So behold!


"let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times. It is as if there are two wolves inside me, one is white and one is grey.

The White Wolf is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. But it will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

But, the grey Wolf, is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing. Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy, looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes, and asked "which one wins Grandfather?"

The Grandfather, smiled and said, "The one I feed the most."

From here  The way the guy at the meeting told the story was better than this.  Anyways.  I thought it was a cool metaphor for feeding your assets versus liabilities (character defects).  

an apple a day

That little expression about an apple a day always convinces me to eat the apple.  Besides, apples are quite delectable.  I think they are my favorite because they are a little sour and a little sweet, crunchy but never too much to eat.  Little rhyme action.  I found an apple in the refrigerator that was pretty old but still good.  I was famished when I got home tonight.  Today wasn't as slow as yesterday.  I took a day off from the gym to rest and I'm glad I did because I realized I had a doctor's appointment later in the evening up in Fairfield.  Seeing this as a good opportunity to retrieve a video game from a friend, available I told him that I'd be there in a bit.  He lives up in some shabby apartment infestation.  It sort of reminded me of the apartments I used to go get coke from.  Just plain and oldish, fall over if an elephant bumped into it.  No, on a serious note, they didn't look so bad.  I was happy to see him and appreciative that he kept my game in such great condition over the course of the year.  I am glad.  No scratches at all.  I'm especially glad because it made me feel like that sixty dollars I spent on the game was still mine.  Too much driving today, people were driving like trail mix without the M and M's, man.  I was not excited and sort of terrified.  All was well, made it back in one piece.  Explored a random town called Rodeo looking for a seven eleven, that place looked so run down, there was all those kids in their white tees that probably thought "yeah we're hella hard, blood."  I didn't stop to find out.  Assumptions are useless, I'm just writing to paint a picture with the limited supply of good paint I got right now.  Made it up to Fairfield with ample time to complete my homework I didn't do over the weekend.  Luckily my teacher postponed the quiz, gotta keep on my toes this week.  I start getting free tutoring from my school for math this friday so I believe that will only further ensure my understanding of the concepts, I'm not feeling completely comfortable and I don't like getting 7/10 ever.  Not when I'm not loaded.  I have very high expectations for school I guess.  Not necessarily a bad thing.

how delightful

the faint hint of perfume on a doodle from the library.

Worth the wait

This past week flew by then upon a mutually followed agreement has screeched to a halt into slo-mo.  I'm excite, NAUUGHHT!  School tomorrow will give me something to do, with the gym I always have something to do.  I'm pretty excited to have planned out a schedule with the school counselor where I'm taking all classes geared towards business administration.  Goals I have this week are working to filter my thoughts when I speak to convey the right message, try not to take anything personally.  I feel like I'm going nuts!  Patience is one area that lacks finesse in my life.  I am willing though!  I'm so sore.  I punished my muscles quite rigorously today.  Specifically my back.  Every time I've tried to massage it, it seems to become worse.  There's this neat thing at the gym that will help but that doesn't help me now!!  I feel pretty good other than that.  There are many things I have to be grateful for today.  I got a pretty cool post-it notepad today.  That was probably the only exciting thing that happened.  I'm gonna sleep good tonight!
*dissipates*

triple feature

Today I needed a pretty comprehensive distraction.  GREAT SUCCESS!  It's alright, I'm happy to step up to a challenge to change patterns of old behaviors that have gotten me no where.  What started off as a trip to Target turned into seeing three movies.  I was planning to go see a movie today anyways not just... three.  I really enjoy binging on all the crappy looking "horror" movies the only difference was I used to watch them once they were available on demand on Comcast.  I played the "you've never seen a movie at this theater" card and bought a ticket to see Let Me In.  It was a cool concept but not enough action.   OH OH! I forgot.  Lots of espresso.  Then I wandered back down, looked at the times and deciding only to watch the crappy movies I wouldn't really want to take someone to, I picked Devil, a bought another ticket.  I liked this movie the best.  The movie had healthy levels of suspense, brutality, recovery references? and even an actor from one of my favorite movies, Supertroopers, (the snozzberries kid).  For the grand finale, I decided to see Case 39 (unitalicized for a reason).  Non-deserving of proper punctuation. Side note: I looked up proper MLA format to make sure I was correct and happily found my memory to be pretty intact.  I remember when I was using last year, I couldn't remember in general and it irked me so much I just said the hell with it and continued using.  How foolish I was!  Well, today I've found more faith in myself just as the JFT said.  When I went to Starbucks downstairs to get my third drink, the girl looked at me as if I was crazy, and in my defense I barely touched the drink (its still sitting my car, I'll drink it tomorrow).  Back to Case 39.  I would not recommend this movie to anyone.  Now I'm a la casa, winding down with disc 1 of Buffy season 5.  Did not even shop at Target haha.  Tomorrow's a new day.  I also was planted with a situation that caused me to think wow, I'm pretty revolted, but not sure where to direct the feeling.  I'm pretty embarrassed by the outcome...and out of a pair of nice sunglasses I was fond of.  I don't just lose my sunglasses.  Remind me not to put stuff down around strangers in the theater.  Note, I am not one hundred percent sure that they were yoinked but its the first thing I've lost in recovery.  Funny thing, it didn't bother me as much as I thought.  I remember tearing up my apartment, accusing everyone of stealing from me, checking my friends friends pockets, only to find what I lost where I hide it.   I'd always be hiding things when I was loaded and then forget where I put it.  This occurred on several occasions.  Several painfully embarrassing occasions.  Today I am grateful to have roommates I trust around my personal items and thats what matters.  I was just pissed slightly, it was basically losing a bill.  I'll accept it as a life lesson nothing more nothing less.  Repeating the same mistakes, expecting different results, INSANITY!  Sort of a good mantra.

hopeless romantics

We are certain a breed of our own.  I was listening to a recommendation given by a friend and a particular lyrics really seemed to described the feeling that I had experienced and that quote was a follows:
I fell into yesterday.
Our dreams seemed not far away.
I want to, I want to, I want to stay
I fell into fantasy.
I went to two meetings tonight, heard a lot of great things that I needed to hear.  When I was real real new, I came up with this top notch pop culture analogy of how I felt in recovery.   When I'm out in the world, I'm like Neo in the Matrix, and I'm trying to make it back to the Oracle for "exactly what I needed to hear" and my disease is waiting outside my ship in the manifestation of a sentinel wriggling its arms wildly closing in on me as I lay plugged into a fantasy world created by a false believe system.  I was pretty proud of my analogy, and since then I've said it at a meeting and got some laughs.  I liked that.  When I make people laugh I feel accepted.  

Be still my heart

I appreciate the outside perspective stepping in and taking charge of situations sometimes when I need help.  I'm a bit of a spazz when it comes to emotional filter, slow is the step I skip over rushing up the stairs on my way somewhere.  It's either stop or go.  Working on that.  I would like to change that.  I know its not appropriate.  I feel slightly embarrassed for being unable to show restraint.   It's like planting a seed in ground that is softening but not ready for any nutrients or organism to open shop.  It's unhealthy to be so forwards with my feelings.  I'm feeling afraid I'm not doing the right thing.  Today I had a quiz in my math class, this week I got all possible points on the homework quiz.  There were only a few problems on the quiz today that I had difficulty figuring out how to do.  The polynomial factorization with the AC method is always annoying.  I absolutely do not like them.  My room mates seem to be acting different lately, in a good way, like we're getting along and that thick tension isn't there.  I am pretty pleased with that.  I feel like as long as I don't step on any toes and be careful I can stay here longer.  I realized today that a lot of what my room mate may have been doing was just messing with me because for the past month I've been playing passive aggressive chess in the kitchen with items in the dry rack or the towel that hangs off the silverware drawer and I believe that its come down to a tie.  Today there were two pans laid in random places but out of the way and I knew I did not touch those pans because I had ended up buying my own.  I bought my own because I didn't want to have to "not clean it to their standards" and have it placed on the counter or in front of the trash can on the floor to say "hey! you didn't clean this right."  Most likely, this happening is just looney business.  A fabricated assumption that is getting me nowhere with getting along peacefully with my room mates.  Making assumptions is a very hard thing for me not to make because I like to think I'm always right.  I am grateful that I have tools like writing this blog entry to take the power away from my kooky and frenetic mind.  When that part of my mind turns on, its on like Shere Khan, not just your soft hum of the friendly household appliance.  It's loud, it's fierce and it has a gun.  That gun is my fear and it has lazar sight.  I was told by a friend that thinking people are out to get you more than usual can be a side effect of long periods of amphetamine use.  Environment and experience, nature and nurture, together I am a very fearful person and very sensitive.  I know that if I continue upon this path I've found that I will overcome all of this.  It's Friday! That's exciting, in a bit I am going to get some donuts for the boys downtown at the mens meeting to snack on while they get feed with recovery!  I've been getting cookies but it's time to mix it up!  Haha this helped me remember we need some cups as well.  I'm really thankful I will be going to two meetings back to back tonight.  Last week was sort of stressful.  I couldn't find anyone available to come chair the meeting.  I ended up calling a bunch of people from the meeting and eventually it was taken care of.  Anyways, I'm done here, it has served it's purpose.  Evening.

gosh darn it

"You're all I need to get by, like sweet morning dew, I took one look at you and it was plain to see, you were my destiny, with arms open wide, i threw away my pride, I sacrifice for you, dedicate my life to you, i will go where you lead, always there in time of need, and when I lose my will you'll be there to push me up the hill, there's no looking back for us, we got love, sho nuff, that's good enough, you're all, you're all I need to get by
like an eagle protects his nest for you ill do my best stand by you like a tree and dare everybody to try an move me, darling in you i found strength in where I was torn down, dont know whats in store but together we can open any door"
-Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell


Errrrrrrrgh.   I feel really stupid right now.  All my secrets are on the table and the table seems to be tilting with the weight.  I'm willing to do whatever possible to take of some of that weight to make the table stable again.  I was told not to hold back but I realize I need to be more careful.  I need to shut up sometimes and let someone else speak for a while.  Right now, I've got "You Dropped a Bomb On Me" by The Gap Band stuck in my head so I'm listening to it.  Anything to distract myself from feeling shitty or anxious to see the outcome of how something is processed.  I hope it doesn't change anything.  The power of words is incredibly understated.  I guess I just wish I was perfect and didn't have any secrets that stained my character.  I know for damn sure I never want to go back to where I was.  I hated living the way I did.  Back then I had no conscious bearing on my actions pure hedonism but now I feel the guilt tenfold.  What I said was probably the worst thing I've done.  I wish I had just kept to myself for another time when it was more appropriate.  I am working on being more appropriate about telling about myself.  Sometimes it just comes out.  I'm feeling really really anxious right now like theres two cinder blocks on my chest.  FUCK!  Excuse my language.  I need to remember sometimes we get uncomfortable feelings, not everything feels great, happy, joyous and free in recovery.  I need to calm down.  I was freaking freaking freaking the f out.  I was trying to play my cool as best as possible but I was so scared.  I've never been so open and straightforward, if I had a secret that I was afraid would make you run from me I wouldn't say it.  That was the person I was.  The person I am today would kick the person I was yesterday's ass.  I could easily do it with all my working out at the gym. I am ready to rumble. Tag team back again. Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap.  I just feel so emotionally deficient right now.  I feel like crying.  At least I have this outlet of writing, I am starting to feel a little better already.  Writing really takes the power out of something, out of my head.  GAHHHHH!!!!  Bad timing as well, that was really bad timing.  I need to work on that too.  It's easier to say this that do it.  At least I know how to do it now.   The suspense of waiting for the phone is so unbearable right now but I know its necessary.  I don't want to be misunderstood.  Listening to Marvin Gaye really has put me in a better mood.  I am so grateful I don't ever have to be like I was again.

this is my mood right now

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the web-credit for these pics is the pictures bottom left corner.

Big Bang

There's a Kpop I really like called Big Bang.  Here are some pictures of them.

No I don't know their names and I don't care.

blinded by the light

I woke up this morning and trudged over to my computer, sat down my face obnoxiously close, clicked the mouse and I was blinded by the light.  I was like "#_______#"
Ugh, I can't believe I left my xbox on all night.   I've been really good about turning stuff off lately.  Life feels like a faery tale right now (I was listening to "Da Game is to be Told, Not to be Sold by Snoop Dogg" and right as I was a bit lost for words, Mystical said that and I was like "I'll run with that.")  I hope there's a happy ending ever after.  Snoop Dogg says "Slow your roll, Junior, slow down."  I can't fight the feeling sometimes.  I want this so bad but don't want to overwater the flower pot so to speak.  That's my two cents for today.  Well screw me sideways, I'm reading the JFT and the topic for today is JFT.  It states, "when we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonable."  "Just for today, I will stay in the here and now.  Today, this moment, I am free."  Ok, I'm done quoting, I wasn't planning to write anything and keep it simple.  I feel like some things in my life are being a little rushed right now, but I've decided to stay in California instead of moving back to Georgia.  My school counselor told me that I needed to make up for the two In-completes from last year which turned to F's.  We planned out a schedule for the next two quarters where I could re-boost my GPA while at the same time taking classes geared towards Business Administration to prepare for following it as a major.  I feel really good with my decision to stay here, extra motivations or no, my heart is in California.  I didn't really want to leave deep down in my heart of hearts.  I'd miss San Jose too much, it's become my home.  It's not even just that, I feel like I could live anywhere in California as long as I'm in California.  I don't want to just cast my new made friendships in the fellowship of NA and AA to the wayside.   I don't want to start over in Georgia knowing no one, in a place I left because I was miserable there.  I want to get my CADC at SJCC as well when I transfer to a school, hopefully Santa Clara University.  I've started the application process.  I found out all the deadlines so I'm working on Olgethorpe University in Georgia by my house because it's deadline is in November.  There are just so many miracles in my life right now.  I don't want to lose my luck and be in the wrong place at the wrong time without the support I have here.

Dreaming

Sometimes, I can't tell if I am dreaming or if I am awake.  Damn you, Inception.  This weekend was quite a bit more lively than usual.  I made a friend who is a very formidable opponent in keeping up with the pace of my high speed intensity texting.  To be honest, I tried to avoid this person and not get their number but when they still caught me off guard I figured it was exactly the way it was supposed to be.  I was at a meeting, had met this person the night before, came up to me after the meeting and said hi.  I proceeded to stay inside in hopes to outlast them and remain behind until they left.  I chatted with a friend about working out.  I helped be of service by putting away chairs.  Eventually, feeling like I might be in the clear, I walked outside.  I didn't see them so I thought, phew, made it for today.  I don't know if this really made a difference, but, I came hoping to see this person at the meeting all the same even though I go to this meeting every week anyways.  I had leftover cookies from the meeting I secretary on fridays at 7pm.  I say this because I'm following a very particular diet which involves much discipline on my part.  I do it about 80/20.  I can't decide if I'm making good decisions or digging myself into a hole and the beauty of it is that I don't need to know because I know in my heart of hearts as long as I leave it up to God, God'll help me figure it out.  I kind of feel like a creep.  I'm loving every second of it though.  If I can keep up my end of the bargain and keep my side of the street clear, be firm in the way I come across, all will fall into place.  I've sort of concocted this elaborate scheme but I don't know if it will work nor do I want to know right now.  I am very excitable right now.  I haven't really had any experience in what I'm hoping to accomplish clean and sober.  In the past, I've gotten into situations for the wrong reasons, mainly my disease manifesting itself in my life.  At least it's not a moral deficiency.  I've been blown away.  I don't know what to do.  This could be really good.  This person seems to have an old soul.  I really enjoy their enthusiasm about recovery and want to be as helpful as I can without focusing on their recovery, I've got too much to do for mine.  I don't want to fall back into the same patterns and old routines from when I was out in my disease.  I want to make positive changes.  I have very strong faith in this person already.  Sometimes I just need to step back and make sure I think about what I'm saying before I say it.  I'm not so good at that.  I feel like I have made vast improvement since last year.  Well, goodnight, Journal.  I've missed you.

BIGBANG - Forever with you

I really love this song. I will be posting a link to download the song and the album it's from, Big Bang's third mini album.

Logic, reasons and to top it off a crazy wave of emotion

Good evening.  Right now, I feel as though if I do not write down the endless drip of thoughts, my head might explode.  As far as subject content, I'm all over the place.  What's new?  The particular directions my thoughts jump from one to the next always seems to puzzle me while I'll admit this process to be very likely the same with most people no matter where we are or what language we speak.  When I first met my sponsor, the very first words he presented to me were as follows, "the first year of recovery is going to be very physical, the second year, emotional, and the third year of recovery, very spiritual, don't forget this."  At this first meeting, I felt a bit doubtful leaning back as he fresh off the dance floor, sweat covering his brow leaned in real close to shout this advice to me.  This phrase is developing into something sort of sentimental as if it were a great grandparents' treasured belonging.  Truth be told, this year I've become more active than I've ever been in my entire life.  Throughout my childhood and early adolescence, I played soccer, dabbled with basketball until I found out I wasn't too good at dribbling.  I was pretty good at soccer I always felt.  I remember a very passionately violent bout of disorderly conduct where having lost the ball or shoved in a forceful way during the play chased this fellow down and slammed into him from behind as hard as a smaller kid rushing into a bigger kid could.  Being a sore sport here and there eventually built feelings of unjustified inferiority and indignity about my skills as a player.  In hindsight, I truly had some major issues with high expectations.  I loved to play soccer, however, entering high school I quit due to a strong dislike for a political science teacher at my school who also coached the high school team.  I really hated this man for reasons uncertain.  Jealousy, maybe?  His cocky attitude?  The know-it-all-superiority complex?  In all honesty, I can't recall the root of this hatred and I'm betting that a good guess would be he had personality characteristics I lacked and wished I had.  As far as that goes, that accounts for the extent of my physical activity pre-using and drinking.   As my addiction progressed, physical activity only appeared as a side effect of the intense emotional release I felt within the throngs of these epic trips and falls in some cases.  Originally, I wrote, in the "thralls" but having looked up the definition of "thralls" found that the word more fitting was "throngs."  Today, I finished reading the book Snow by Orhan Pamuk.  Therefore, I am feeling slightly inclined to be more wordy.  I liked the story, but as a review I read online said, it "lost it's grip" by the four hundredth page.  The author divulged too much background information of the factual credentials with personal accounts and evidence to the truthfulness of his story.  I am happy that I am able to look up words with the dictionary application on my phone rather than be restricted with a large, bulky dictionary impractical to carry all over the place.  The title of this entry, "logic, reasons and to top it off a crazy wave of emotion" came from the overall idea that as I become more coherent and thinking faster, I've wanted to tell someone every single little detail.  I've also realized that using Facebook status updates to rely this information grinding through my head and spitting it on onto the the news feed is just downright annoying to anyone but myself.   So logically, I made a decision that a blog was in order, the reasons were that I'd like to develop this thoughts into something more concrete.  As for the wave of crazy emotion, we are very moved by the sounds of music and as I set to the task of tonight's whatever we call this blogging business, I listened to Elements of Life by Tiesto overcome with a flushing thunderous flood of feeling only to realize that when we used to play some of this music, it seemed more epic.  Now it feels as though, like the book I finished, lost it's grip.   Not being all E'd up and molly'ed out, professing my love to anyone and everyone who'd listen took a bit of the luster away.  That's all, folks!  *Looney Tunes melody*

Bears! Bears! Bears!

Last night I went over to the old neighborhood to Homestead Lanes to support my friend, Phil and his band, play a show.  I'm not sure what type of music they play but, none the less, I enjoyed it.  The other two bands playing sounded pop punk-like and while although the second band was a little generic sounding (according to Phil) I definitely could bounce a little and bob my head in a rapid fashion to the drum beat.  The first band that played sounded like they were first starting out and they were young kids probably no much older than juniors in high school.  The actual show was in the bar of the bowling alley.  Unlike the rest of the bowling alley, it had been renovated and everything looked freshly remodeled.  I remember last year taking a bowling class when construction had only just begun.  The walls were a type of red that in the present light looked dark but with more light a bright red color.  Facing the small carpeted platform that was the stage there were various neon beer signs unlit on the wall above them high ceilings. On one side were a couple covered pool tables, some youngsters gathered around the round tables chatting about whatever kids these days talk about.  A row of cushioned chairs with wooden arms and legs divided  the open floor in front of the stage from the area to the side with the kids and some pay as you go music electronic touch screen machines.  On the other side, the bar was lit with a bright Blue Moon beer sign at one end and a couple of decorative kegs on the end closest to the door.  Forgive me for lack of a better description, being a recovery alcoholic I only spent a couple minutes up by the bar talking to two friends only to quickly excuse myself and return to the table with Phil.  Only knowing Phil, I stayed pretty quiet played Words with Friends on my phone and watched the Stanford Spartans play Notre Dame on an entrancingly nice 40"plasma behind us.  Once the show started I put my ear buds in and it was so loud that if I wanted to tell someone something I had to write it out on my phone.  For a little while I watched the drunk kids act silly and I reminded myself that I had been right there before so I shouldn't think negatively of them.  I suppose maybe even subconsciously there was a tinge of jealously but today I don't want to return to that.  I am happy with what I have right now.  Watching them clumsily dance together holding each others hands to avoid falling backwards was like seeing an old video of myself and knowing too well that nothing on this earth could create the same video again.  It was enlightening to see how annoying they were to those of us who weren't drinking, saying to myself "wow I really was like that too huh?"  I realize that this early in recovery, I wasn't in the best of spots.  Definitely not a regular thing I'd like to do.  I felt comfortable in my sobriety to not be tempted.  I was proud that I went and spend a few hours there and didn't have a drink.  I don't give myself too much credit, I had a talk about it with my friend all day before I went.  I hope that as I work my way through recovery I will get to see the other side of the coin, working with newcomers to recovery fresh out of detox or on their way to.  I feel really hopefully one day I will find much fulfillment and purpose in running a treatment program.  Afterwards, I followed a couple of friends to Del Taco where we pigged out.  When I got home I found to no surprise how much calories I had ate but did not feel guilty at all.  I earned it.  Well, I am going to stop here and lunch it up, head over to the gym then tear it up.

Extreme Exercise Jams

I've come to hold the utmost respect for the time I spend at the gym working out.  Currently, I do about an hour and a half of cardiovascular exercise.  For the first hour, I do a slow, but steady, warm up on the exercise bike; averaging about 400-480 calories.  I then hop onto the elliptical and do about forty minutes (that's about all I can do because my toes start to fall asleep and periodically I must wiggle and squelch them to get the blood flowing back through there).  On the elliptical today I did 40 minutes with a 5 minute cool-down in the reverse mode. The total calories burned for my time on the elliptical ran up to a whopping  600.  In total, I burned well over a thousand calories on cardio alone.  I don't think I've ever felt this good in my entire life than when I'm in the middle of that elliptical run.  Back to where I started, I've grown to realize that while I am engaged in this physical activity, my thoughts are like a rushing river full of fish, non-polluted and crystal clear.  I guess what I am hoping to convey is that all the thoughts I have are beneficial.  I exude nothing but positivity and aspirations of productivity when I am in this state of healthy bliss.
At this point, I feel highly motivated and cruise into the weight training area of the gym and take it up a notch with my max reps for some of my exercises (although it tired me out too much so I couldn't do the whole thing).  I also contribute the fatigue to my small breakfast and small coffee so after having burned so many calories doing cardio, I was beat.  Doing cardio also conjured up other realistically obtainable goals in regards to my hobbies such as making music compilations for my friends not only just around the the holidays but for all sorts of things.  I'd love to do a work out mix (which is where the title of this entry comes from), I envision an anime girl in 80s trainer gear on the cover in an animated pose that I could design using Photoshop.  That reminded me of how many pictures I used to make on Photoshop for all the little fan websites I made when I was fresh in high school.  First, I had a Mandy Moore fan-page on Geocities where you used their custom designer to put the images up and all that.  I definitely held a huge crush for  Mandi Moore back then, I must embarrassingly admit.
         Then I created a website also on Geo Cities and eventually bought my own domain name called www.janimedojo.com which no longer exists and really never went anywhere because right around that time... I started getting into drugs.  Being the ultimate nerd, I assumed an internet alias of Junpei from my fondness of a character of that name in the anime "Those Who Hunt Elves." Also from the elliptical I experienced a tinge of clarity that in fact, I had (and still possess) a lot of talents back then but they didn't seem as valuable to me then, all I felt I needed and wanted was fit in and feel apart of.

leftover chinese and prosciutto

An endless stream of thoughts always comes to my mind when I am driving down the freeway.  The thought begins somewhere usually through the aid of a visual or aural stimulus such as something along the road or hearing something in song, for example.  As I approached 85 from De Anza Blvd, I listened to a downtempo chillout station on Pandora Radio.  Glancing down, I noticed the album cover shown on the screen of my phone.   The image I saw was so brief, before I returned my eyes to their rightful place, all I caught from the glimpse was a Fir-looking tree on a creme colored background.  From there, as I mounted the freeway on-ramp, my mind wandered to an image of an all green planet with one enlarged tree disproportionate to the rest of the planet's size.  The silly distortion recalled some distant images in my memory, although unable to put my finger on where they came from, my mind jumped quickly to images of a big, sprawling jungle of a park in San Francisco near the Haight and Asbury and then to scenery I experienced there on LSD and mushrooms.  I began to stew up a glorious, glam concoction of nostalgia that set me abruptly into a fright.  Beginning down the freeway on ramp, I immediately slid this feeling to the side and started visualizing the realities of my experiences with hallucinogens: the few last LSD experiences that left me a mess, to say the least; the helplessness of hopelessness I felt after as if maybe really, truly, this time I had fried my gourd for good; the inability to speak, formulate or vocalize any words to respond to anything that was said to me as I came down scrambled and fluffed sitting around with a group of acquaintances at the campsite; the sensitivity of my body, the physical discomfort, the confusion, feeling so lost.
              Remembering driving home from a party toting a few beginners with their bottle of cheap vodka clinking around in the open trunk feeling like a dried out stick still mildly hallucinating the irises of my eyes non-existant.  Putting the element of anxiety on the table from the last situation described I found other situations to remind myself of: the sixty dollars I sent with someone to get dope and the wait finding security in knowing that soon I wouldn't feel dope-sick only to wait hours and them to never return, the pain of when a friend trying to assist the injection missed my vein and shot black tar heroin into my muscle, the pain of shooting black tar heroin into my feet and missing the vein, all the frustration and blood dripping all over the place.  As I got on the freeway, I kept my mind on the task of focusing on all the bad times while I was using and drinking.
                I really didn't treat the girls I dated fairly during this period of my life when I was on drugs.  I used my girlfriends then, and took them for granted.  One in particular, sweet, cute and funny as could be  I latched on to her in hopes to ease the pain from the previous relationship.  For a time, we had fun together.   After a few months, I broke up with her.  Why did I do that?  I felt like if I dragged things out, it would be substantially worse emotionally for her.  I told you the excuse that you deserved better than a heroin addict such as myself who was lowering his standards by the minute.  Thinking about her, I remember the day I visited her at her parent's house, gave me the leftover chinese and prosciutto from her fridge, helping her reach things in the kitchen.. her gently soft but firm kisses from her smooth lips.  Anyways, as I came close to my exit, I really felt like writing about this memory while it was still fresh on my mind.

Untitled.

I'm hoping by making this post it will bump some images down so that I can post a relevant picture for my new wallpaper post on Facebook.  Today was really good.  I woke up and read Snow by Orhan Pamuk, I'm down to the last hundred or so pages, I might have been able to read more pages if one of my room mates wasn't trying to drown out the music I was playing (with my door closed) at a reasonable but audible volume with his loud stereo in his computer room.  It wasn't just that he was playing his so it was almost drowning mine out, but that he was starting it then stopping it.  Either he really didn't like what he was hearing or he's having a really bad day, I know he's having a hard time in general right now.  I feel like I need to get out of his hair and I feel like trying to be diplomatic about it is not an option.  I don't know how to talk about it without what I want to communicate coming across like a full scale assault.  I just took it personal because I never play music when he's playing music and I was already playing music when he turned his on.  Of course, my pride got to me because I didn't want to back down by switch my music to headphones.  I realized after the fact, that I did in fact, have just the right cable to extend the length of my headphone's cord and it was possible for me to continue to read in bed.  I found the situation unacceptable so therefore I felt upset even though these feelings may or may not have been justified or held merit.  Anyways, we both managed to be civil while he ate when we finally were forced to acknowledge each other after I got back from the gym and showered.  Today at the gym I went all out.  I did an hour and a half of cardio: 30 minutes on the elliptical and an hour on the exercise bike but I couldn't quite figure out the stepper yet.  I did some strength training as well.  Eventually I found myself getting distracted by an older blonde woman, I'm not a blonde type of guy but this one, well, she was gorgeous, and so I used it as an excuse to leave.  Maleness aside, perhaps even you could called that humanness aside, I came home and felt great, I burned 700 calories just on cardio.  I put an extra scoop of whey protein in my protein shake to make up for the intense workout.  Well, I feel great and have no complaints.  I still feel like I want to move out and maybe rent a room with Ben and his sponsor in Scotts Valley.

la la la can't hear you got my headphones on

Haha, so recently I've had this mini-obsession with wallpapers of anime girl characters with headphones, I'm such a lame fanboy.  I put a few on my last anime wallpapers post but I found quite a few more since then.  I found enough of these wallpapers, in fact, to make a post purely dedicated to these pictures.  I really like show and tell even if no one really seems to watching.  Some of these make pretty good backgrounds in my opinion but don't take my word for it.  Well, without further adieu let me present to you.

Again, save the image to desktop or wherever for the full sized image, these are big wallpapers. 

Hope you enjoy~!  Stay tuned for more later.  

meetings, recovery, fellowship

So everything went well for the meeting I secretary in downtown San Jose at 7 we had a good group and small enough so everyone got a chance to speak.  I really truly feel apart of when everyone gets to share.  I prefer the small meetings because theirs less pride and ego going on for myself and in general.  I feel better when I'm in a smaller crowd where I have the opportunity to talk with everyone.  I made a friend tonight as well whom I chatted with for good time after the meeting.  We talked about sexuality and recovery and meetings, it was good.  I felt uncomfortable but comfortable at the same time.  Mmmm this song I'm listening to by super junior is happy sounding it fits the moment perfectly.  I'm not feeling like overwhelmingly happy or bursting with joy but its a nice change of pace after listening to Happy Hardcore techno music all day.  Right now I'm waiting to pick up Ben from his towing company down off W. San Carlos near downtown.  I've become like his driver like Jackson was for me so many times when I had a DUI, luckily Ben doesn't have a DUI just doesn't have a car.  He pays well for gas so it's no problem plus its fun to hang out and go to meetings with him.  I've got no complaints right now, I feel so blessed.  One of my friends is experiencing some technical difficulties, his wife wants a divorce just doesn't feel like the relationship is going anywhere, I feel for him.  That sort of thing, I said at the meeting, was something I could very possibly end up going through one day and if it weren't for meetings and being able to talk to someone about going through problems like that I don't where I'd be.  That's a lie, I know exactly where I'd be, I'd be dead, brain dead or in prison, those are my only options from here on out if I go back to using and drinking.  By continuing to attend meetings, I'll get the constant reminder from the older crowd that it doesn't work to go back to that lifestyle and its best to move forward by daily working recovery and staying connected with people in recovery.  It says in the reading, "We Do Recover," that before AA and NA addicts and alcoholics didn't have a choice to get straight and get better, recover, live productive lives and move on.  I feel so fortunate to have this alternative.  That's all for today.

bored again

I am so bored right now!!!!! It's still 11 days until school begins.  Damn it, I feel so unproductive.  That is all.  I did feel more productive yesterday taking pictures of all the bus benches in Willow Glen.  That was cool, but I didn't do anything interesting or fun today except work out at the gym.  Other wise I've been at home all day, doing pretty much nothing.  Well tomorrow is Living in the Solution mens meeting where I am the new secretary, I've got to get in touch with my chair person!  I really like that I'm the secretary, I feel responsible.

Anime Wallpapers Part 1

Here are some cute, cool, or sexy anime wallpapers I found from a link found to the right in my links section. I particularly like the ones where the girls are wearing headphones.  Saving the image or clicking on it will give you the full size version.

Yeah so this is the first post of many anime related wallpapers I will be posted to this blog.  I hope you enjoy or get to use them!