gosh darn it

"You're all I need to get by, like sweet morning dew, I took one look at you and it was plain to see, you were my destiny, with arms open wide, i threw away my pride, I sacrifice for you, dedicate my life to you, i will go where you lead, always there in time of need, and when I lose my will you'll be there to push me up the hill, there's no looking back for us, we got love, sho nuff, that's good enough, you're all, you're all I need to get by
like an eagle protects his nest for you ill do my best stand by you like a tree and dare everybody to try an move me, darling in you i found strength in where I was torn down, dont know whats in store but together we can open any door"
-Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell


Errrrrrrrgh.   I feel really stupid right now.  All my secrets are on the table and the table seems to be tilting with the weight.  I'm willing to do whatever possible to take of some of that weight to make the table stable again.  I was told not to hold back but I realize I need to be more careful.  I need to shut up sometimes and let someone else speak for a while.  Right now, I've got "You Dropped a Bomb On Me" by The Gap Band stuck in my head so I'm listening to it.  Anything to distract myself from feeling shitty or anxious to see the outcome of how something is processed.  I hope it doesn't change anything.  The power of words is incredibly understated.  I guess I just wish I was perfect and didn't have any secrets that stained my character.  I know for damn sure I never want to go back to where I was.  I hated living the way I did.  Back then I had no conscious bearing on my actions pure hedonism but now I feel the guilt tenfold.  What I said was probably the worst thing I've done.  I wish I had just kept to myself for another time when it was more appropriate.  I am working on being more appropriate about telling about myself.  Sometimes it just comes out.  I'm feeling really really anxious right now like theres two cinder blocks on my chest.  FUCK!  Excuse my language.  I need to remember sometimes we get uncomfortable feelings, not everything feels great, happy, joyous and free in recovery.  I need to calm down.  I was freaking freaking freaking the f out.  I was trying to play my cool as best as possible but I was so scared.  I've never been so open and straightforward, if I had a secret that I was afraid would make you run from me I wouldn't say it.  That was the person I was.  The person I am today would kick the person I was yesterday's ass.  I could easily do it with all my working out at the gym. I am ready to rumble. Tag team back again. Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap.  I just feel so emotionally deficient right now.  I feel like crying.  At least I have this outlet of writing, I am starting to feel a little better already.  Writing really takes the power out of something, out of my head.  GAHHHHH!!!!  Bad timing as well, that was really bad timing.  I need to work on that too.  It's easier to say this that do it.  At least I know how to do it now.   The suspense of waiting for the phone is so unbearable right now but I know its necessary.  I don't want to be misunderstood.  Listening to Marvin Gaye really has put me in a better mood.  I am so grateful I don't ever have to be like I was again.

this is my mood right now

SAVE TO DESKTOP FOR 768 X 1024 SIZE

the web-credit for these pics is the pictures bottom left corner.

Big Bang

There's a Kpop I really like called Big Bang.  Here are some pictures of them.

No I don't know their names and I don't care.

blinded by the light

I woke up this morning and trudged over to my computer, sat down my face obnoxiously close, clicked the mouse and I was blinded by the light.  I was like "#_______#"
Ugh, I can't believe I left my xbox on all night.   I've been really good about turning stuff off lately.  Life feels like a faery tale right now (I was listening to "Da Game is to be Told, Not to be Sold by Snoop Dogg" and right as I was a bit lost for words, Mystical said that and I was like "I'll run with that.")  I hope there's a happy ending ever after.  Snoop Dogg says "Slow your roll, Junior, slow down."  I can't fight the feeling sometimes.  I want this so bad but don't want to overwater the flower pot so to speak.  That's my two cents for today.  Well screw me sideways, I'm reading the JFT and the topic for today is JFT.  It states, "when we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonable."  "Just for today, I will stay in the here and now.  Today, this moment, I am free."  Ok, I'm done quoting, I wasn't planning to write anything and keep it simple.  I feel like some things in my life are being a little rushed right now, but I've decided to stay in California instead of moving back to Georgia.  My school counselor told me that I needed to make up for the two In-completes from last year which turned to F's.  We planned out a schedule for the next two quarters where I could re-boost my GPA while at the same time taking classes geared towards Business Administration to prepare for following it as a major.  I feel really good with my decision to stay here, extra motivations or no, my heart is in California.  I didn't really want to leave deep down in my heart of hearts.  I'd miss San Jose too much, it's become my home.  It's not even just that, I feel like I could live anywhere in California as long as I'm in California.  I don't want to just cast my new made friendships in the fellowship of NA and AA to the wayside.   I don't want to start over in Georgia knowing no one, in a place I left because I was miserable there.  I want to get my CADC at SJCC as well when I transfer to a school, hopefully Santa Clara University.  I've started the application process.  I found out all the deadlines so I'm working on Olgethorpe University in Georgia by my house because it's deadline is in November.  There are just so many miracles in my life right now.  I don't want to lose my luck and be in the wrong place at the wrong time without the support I have here.

Dreaming

Sometimes, I can't tell if I am dreaming or if I am awake.  Damn you, Inception.  This weekend was quite a bit more lively than usual.  I made a friend who is a very formidable opponent in keeping up with the pace of my high speed intensity texting.  To be honest, I tried to avoid this person and not get their number but when they still caught me off guard I figured it was exactly the way it was supposed to be.  I was at a meeting, had met this person the night before, came up to me after the meeting and said hi.  I proceeded to stay inside in hopes to outlast them and remain behind until they left.  I chatted with a friend about working out.  I helped be of service by putting away chairs.  Eventually, feeling like I might be in the clear, I walked outside.  I didn't see them so I thought, phew, made it for today.  I don't know if this really made a difference, but, I came hoping to see this person at the meeting all the same even though I go to this meeting every week anyways.  I had leftover cookies from the meeting I secretary on fridays at 7pm.  I say this because I'm following a very particular diet which involves much discipline on my part.  I do it about 80/20.  I can't decide if I'm making good decisions or digging myself into a hole and the beauty of it is that I don't need to know because I know in my heart of hearts as long as I leave it up to God, God'll help me figure it out.  I kind of feel like a creep.  I'm loving every second of it though.  If I can keep up my end of the bargain and keep my side of the street clear, be firm in the way I come across, all will fall into place.  I've sort of concocted this elaborate scheme but I don't know if it will work nor do I want to know right now.  I am very excitable right now.  I haven't really had any experience in what I'm hoping to accomplish clean and sober.  In the past, I've gotten into situations for the wrong reasons, mainly my disease manifesting itself in my life.  At least it's not a moral deficiency.  I've been blown away.  I don't know what to do.  This could be really good.  This person seems to have an old soul.  I really enjoy their enthusiasm about recovery and want to be as helpful as I can without focusing on their recovery, I've got too much to do for mine.  I don't want to fall back into the same patterns and old routines from when I was out in my disease.  I want to make positive changes.  I have very strong faith in this person already.  Sometimes I just need to step back and make sure I think about what I'm saying before I say it.  I'm not so good at that.  I feel like I have made vast improvement since last year.  Well, goodnight, Journal.  I've missed you.

BIGBANG - Forever with you

I really love this song. I will be posting a link to download the song and the album it's from, Big Bang's third mini album.

Logic, reasons and to top it off a crazy wave of emotion

Good evening.  Right now, I feel as though if I do not write down the endless drip of thoughts, my head might explode.  As far as subject content, I'm all over the place.  What's new?  The particular directions my thoughts jump from one to the next always seems to puzzle me while I'll admit this process to be very likely the same with most people no matter where we are or what language we speak.  When I first met my sponsor, the very first words he presented to me were as follows, "the first year of recovery is going to be very physical, the second year, emotional, and the third year of recovery, very spiritual, don't forget this."  At this first meeting, I felt a bit doubtful leaning back as he fresh off the dance floor, sweat covering his brow leaned in real close to shout this advice to me.  This phrase is developing into something sort of sentimental as if it were a great grandparents' treasured belonging.  Truth be told, this year I've become more active than I've ever been in my entire life.  Throughout my childhood and early adolescence, I played soccer, dabbled with basketball until I found out I wasn't too good at dribbling.  I was pretty good at soccer I always felt.  I remember a very passionately violent bout of disorderly conduct where having lost the ball or shoved in a forceful way during the play chased this fellow down and slammed into him from behind as hard as a smaller kid rushing into a bigger kid could.  Being a sore sport here and there eventually built feelings of unjustified inferiority and indignity about my skills as a player.  In hindsight, I truly had some major issues with high expectations.  I loved to play soccer, however, entering high school I quit due to a strong dislike for a political science teacher at my school who also coached the high school team.  I really hated this man for reasons uncertain.  Jealousy, maybe?  His cocky attitude?  The know-it-all-superiority complex?  In all honesty, I can't recall the root of this hatred and I'm betting that a good guess would be he had personality characteristics I lacked and wished I had.  As far as that goes, that accounts for the extent of my physical activity pre-using and drinking.   As my addiction progressed, physical activity only appeared as a side effect of the intense emotional release I felt within the throngs of these epic trips and falls in some cases.  Originally, I wrote, in the "thralls" but having looked up the definition of "thralls" found that the word more fitting was "throngs."  Today, I finished reading the book Snow by Orhan Pamuk.  Therefore, I am feeling slightly inclined to be more wordy.  I liked the story, but as a review I read online said, it "lost it's grip" by the four hundredth page.  The author divulged too much background information of the factual credentials with personal accounts and evidence to the truthfulness of his story.  I am happy that I am able to look up words with the dictionary application on my phone rather than be restricted with a large, bulky dictionary impractical to carry all over the place.  The title of this entry, "logic, reasons and to top it off a crazy wave of emotion" came from the overall idea that as I become more coherent and thinking faster, I've wanted to tell someone every single little detail.  I've also realized that using Facebook status updates to rely this information grinding through my head and spitting it on onto the the news feed is just downright annoying to anyone but myself.   So logically, I made a decision that a blog was in order, the reasons were that I'd like to develop this thoughts into something more concrete.  As for the wave of crazy emotion, we are very moved by the sounds of music and as I set to the task of tonight's whatever we call this blogging business, I listened to Elements of Life by Tiesto overcome with a flushing thunderous flood of feeling only to realize that when we used to play some of this music, it seemed more epic.  Now it feels as though, like the book I finished, lost it's grip.   Not being all E'd up and molly'ed out, professing my love to anyone and everyone who'd listen took a bit of the luster away.  That's all, folks!  *Looney Tunes melody*

Bears! Bears! Bears!

Last night I went over to the old neighborhood to Homestead Lanes to support my friend, Phil and his band, play a show.  I'm not sure what type of music they play but, none the less, I enjoyed it.  The other two bands playing sounded pop punk-like and while although the second band was a little generic sounding (according to Phil) I definitely could bounce a little and bob my head in a rapid fashion to the drum beat.  The first band that played sounded like they were first starting out and they were young kids probably no much older than juniors in high school.  The actual show was in the bar of the bowling alley.  Unlike the rest of the bowling alley, it had been renovated and everything looked freshly remodeled.  I remember last year taking a bowling class when construction had only just begun.  The walls were a type of red that in the present light looked dark but with more light a bright red color.  Facing the small carpeted platform that was the stage there were various neon beer signs unlit on the wall above them high ceilings. On one side were a couple covered pool tables, some youngsters gathered around the round tables chatting about whatever kids these days talk about.  A row of cushioned chairs with wooden arms and legs divided  the open floor in front of the stage from the area to the side with the kids and some pay as you go music electronic touch screen machines.  On the other side, the bar was lit with a bright Blue Moon beer sign at one end and a couple of decorative kegs on the end closest to the door.  Forgive me for lack of a better description, being a recovery alcoholic I only spent a couple minutes up by the bar talking to two friends only to quickly excuse myself and return to the table with Phil.  Only knowing Phil, I stayed pretty quiet played Words with Friends on my phone and watched the Stanford Spartans play Notre Dame on an entrancingly nice 40"plasma behind us.  Once the show started I put my ear buds in and it was so loud that if I wanted to tell someone something I had to write it out on my phone.  For a little while I watched the drunk kids act silly and I reminded myself that I had been right there before so I shouldn't think negatively of them.  I suppose maybe even subconsciously there was a tinge of jealously but today I don't want to return to that.  I am happy with what I have right now.  Watching them clumsily dance together holding each others hands to avoid falling backwards was like seeing an old video of myself and knowing too well that nothing on this earth could create the same video again.  It was enlightening to see how annoying they were to those of us who weren't drinking, saying to myself "wow I really was like that too huh?"  I realize that this early in recovery, I wasn't in the best of spots.  Definitely not a regular thing I'd like to do.  I felt comfortable in my sobriety to not be tempted.  I was proud that I went and spend a few hours there and didn't have a drink.  I don't give myself too much credit, I had a talk about it with my friend all day before I went.  I hope that as I work my way through recovery I will get to see the other side of the coin, working with newcomers to recovery fresh out of detox or on their way to.  I feel really hopefully one day I will find much fulfillment and purpose in running a treatment program.  Afterwards, I followed a couple of friends to Del Taco where we pigged out.  When I got home I found to no surprise how much calories I had ate but did not feel guilty at all.  I earned it.  Well, I am going to stop here and lunch it up, head over to the gym then tear it up.

Extreme Exercise Jams

I've come to hold the utmost respect for the time I spend at the gym working out.  Currently, I do about an hour and a half of cardiovascular exercise.  For the first hour, I do a slow, but steady, warm up on the exercise bike; averaging about 400-480 calories.  I then hop onto the elliptical and do about forty minutes (that's about all I can do because my toes start to fall asleep and periodically I must wiggle and squelch them to get the blood flowing back through there).  On the elliptical today I did 40 minutes with a 5 minute cool-down in the reverse mode. The total calories burned for my time on the elliptical ran up to a whopping  600.  In total, I burned well over a thousand calories on cardio alone.  I don't think I've ever felt this good in my entire life than when I'm in the middle of that elliptical run.  Back to where I started, I've grown to realize that while I am engaged in this physical activity, my thoughts are like a rushing river full of fish, non-polluted and crystal clear.  I guess what I am hoping to convey is that all the thoughts I have are beneficial.  I exude nothing but positivity and aspirations of productivity when I am in this state of healthy bliss.
At this point, I feel highly motivated and cruise into the weight training area of the gym and take it up a notch with my max reps for some of my exercises (although it tired me out too much so I couldn't do the whole thing).  I also contribute the fatigue to my small breakfast and small coffee so after having burned so many calories doing cardio, I was beat.  Doing cardio also conjured up other realistically obtainable goals in regards to my hobbies such as making music compilations for my friends not only just around the the holidays but for all sorts of things.  I'd love to do a work out mix (which is where the title of this entry comes from), I envision an anime girl in 80s trainer gear on the cover in an animated pose that I could design using Photoshop.  That reminded me of how many pictures I used to make on Photoshop for all the little fan websites I made when I was fresh in high school.  First, I had a Mandy Moore fan-page on Geocities where you used their custom designer to put the images up and all that.  I definitely held a huge crush for  Mandi Moore back then, I must embarrassingly admit.
         Then I created a website also on Geo Cities and eventually bought my own domain name called www.janimedojo.com which no longer exists and really never went anywhere because right around that time... I started getting into drugs.  Being the ultimate nerd, I assumed an internet alias of Junpei from my fondness of a character of that name in the anime "Those Who Hunt Elves." Also from the elliptical I experienced a tinge of clarity that in fact, I had (and still possess) a lot of talents back then but they didn't seem as valuable to me then, all I felt I needed and wanted was fit in and feel apart of.

leftover chinese and prosciutto

An endless stream of thoughts always comes to my mind when I am driving down the freeway.  The thought begins somewhere usually through the aid of a visual or aural stimulus such as something along the road or hearing something in song, for example.  As I approached 85 from De Anza Blvd, I listened to a downtempo chillout station on Pandora Radio.  Glancing down, I noticed the album cover shown on the screen of my phone.   The image I saw was so brief, before I returned my eyes to their rightful place, all I caught from the glimpse was a Fir-looking tree on a creme colored background.  From there, as I mounted the freeway on-ramp, my mind wandered to an image of an all green planet with one enlarged tree disproportionate to the rest of the planet's size.  The silly distortion recalled some distant images in my memory, although unable to put my finger on where they came from, my mind jumped quickly to images of a big, sprawling jungle of a park in San Francisco near the Haight and Asbury and then to scenery I experienced there on LSD and mushrooms.  I began to stew up a glorious, glam concoction of nostalgia that set me abruptly into a fright.  Beginning down the freeway on ramp, I immediately slid this feeling to the side and started visualizing the realities of my experiences with hallucinogens: the few last LSD experiences that left me a mess, to say the least; the helplessness of hopelessness I felt after as if maybe really, truly, this time I had fried my gourd for good; the inability to speak, formulate or vocalize any words to respond to anything that was said to me as I came down scrambled and fluffed sitting around with a group of acquaintances at the campsite; the sensitivity of my body, the physical discomfort, the confusion, feeling so lost.
              Remembering driving home from a party toting a few beginners with their bottle of cheap vodka clinking around in the open trunk feeling like a dried out stick still mildly hallucinating the irises of my eyes non-existant.  Putting the element of anxiety on the table from the last situation described I found other situations to remind myself of: the sixty dollars I sent with someone to get dope and the wait finding security in knowing that soon I wouldn't feel dope-sick only to wait hours and them to never return, the pain of when a friend trying to assist the injection missed my vein and shot black tar heroin into my muscle, the pain of shooting black tar heroin into my feet and missing the vein, all the frustration and blood dripping all over the place.  As I got on the freeway, I kept my mind on the task of focusing on all the bad times while I was using and drinking.
                I really didn't treat the girls I dated fairly during this period of my life when I was on drugs.  I used my girlfriends then, and took them for granted.  One in particular, sweet, cute and funny as could be  I latched on to her in hopes to ease the pain from the previous relationship.  For a time, we had fun together.   After a few months, I broke up with her.  Why did I do that?  I felt like if I dragged things out, it would be substantially worse emotionally for her.  I told you the excuse that you deserved better than a heroin addict such as myself who was lowering his standards by the minute.  Thinking about her, I remember the day I visited her at her parent's house, gave me the leftover chinese and prosciutto from her fridge, helping her reach things in the kitchen.. her gently soft but firm kisses from her smooth lips.  Anyways, as I came close to my exit, I really felt like writing about this memory while it was still fresh on my mind.

Untitled.

I'm hoping by making this post it will bump some images down so that I can post a relevant picture for my new wallpaper post on Facebook.  Today was really good.  I woke up and read Snow by Orhan Pamuk, I'm down to the last hundred or so pages, I might have been able to read more pages if one of my room mates wasn't trying to drown out the music I was playing (with my door closed) at a reasonable but audible volume with his loud stereo in his computer room.  It wasn't just that he was playing his so it was almost drowning mine out, but that he was starting it then stopping it.  Either he really didn't like what he was hearing or he's having a really bad day, I know he's having a hard time in general right now.  I feel like I need to get out of his hair and I feel like trying to be diplomatic about it is not an option.  I don't know how to talk about it without what I want to communicate coming across like a full scale assault.  I just took it personal because I never play music when he's playing music and I was already playing music when he turned his on.  Of course, my pride got to me because I didn't want to back down by switch my music to headphones.  I realized after the fact, that I did in fact, have just the right cable to extend the length of my headphone's cord and it was possible for me to continue to read in bed.  I found the situation unacceptable so therefore I felt upset even though these feelings may or may not have been justified or held merit.  Anyways, we both managed to be civil while he ate when we finally were forced to acknowledge each other after I got back from the gym and showered.  Today at the gym I went all out.  I did an hour and a half of cardio: 30 minutes on the elliptical and an hour on the exercise bike but I couldn't quite figure out the stepper yet.  I did some strength training as well.  Eventually I found myself getting distracted by an older blonde woman, I'm not a blonde type of guy but this one, well, she was gorgeous, and so I used it as an excuse to leave.  Maleness aside, perhaps even you could called that humanness aside, I came home and felt great, I burned 700 calories just on cardio.  I put an extra scoop of whey protein in my protein shake to make up for the intense workout.  Well, I feel great and have no complaints.  I still feel like I want to move out and maybe rent a room with Ben and his sponsor in Scotts Valley.

la la la can't hear you got my headphones on

Haha, so recently I've had this mini-obsession with wallpapers of anime girl characters with headphones, I'm such a lame fanboy.  I put a few on my last anime wallpapers post but I found quite a few more since then.  I found enough of these wallpapers, in fact, to make a post purely dedicated to these pictures.  I really like show and tell even if no one really seems to watching.  Some of these make pretty good backgrounds in my opinion but don't take my word for it.  Well, without further adieu let me present to you.

Again, save the image to desktop or wherever for the full sized image, these are big wallpapers. 

Hope you enjoy~!  Stay tuned for more later.  

meetings, recovery, fellowship

So everything went well for the meeting I secretary in downtown San Jose at 7 we had a good group and small enough so everyone got a chance to speak.  I really truly feel apart of when everyone gets to share.  I prefer the small meetings because theirs less pride and ego going on for myself and in general.  I feel better when I'm in a smaller crowd where I have the opportunity to talk with everyone.  I made a friend tonight as well whom I chatted with for good time after the meeting.  We talked about sexuality and recovery and meetings, it was good.  I felt uncomfortable but comfortable at the same time.  Mmmm this song I'm listening to by super junior is happy sounding it fits the moment perfectly.  I'm not feeling like overwhelmingly happy or bursting with joy but its a nice change of pace after listening to Happy Hardcore techno music all day.  Right now I'm waiting to pick up Ben from his towing company down off W. San Carlos near downtown.  I've become like his driver like Jackson was for me so many times when I had a DUI, luckily Ben doesn't have a DUI just doesn't have a car.  He pays well for gas so it's no problem plus its fun to hang out and go to meetings with him.  I've got no complaints right now, I feel so blessed.  One of my friends is experiencing some technical difficulties, his wife wants a divorce just doesn't feel like the relationship is going anywhere, I feel for him.  That sort of thing, I said at the meeting, was something I could very possibly end up going through one day and if it weren't for meetings and being able to talk to someone about going through problems like that I don't where I'd be.  That's a lie, I know exactly where I'd be, I'd be dead, brain dead or in prison, those are my only options from here on out if I go back to using and drinking.  By continuing to attend meetings, I'll get the constant reminder from the older crowd that it doesn't work to go back to that lifestyle and its best to move forward by daily working recovery and staying connected with people in recovery.  It says in the reading, "We Do Recover," that before AA and NA addicts and alcoholics didn't have a choice to get straight and get better, recover, live productive lives and move on.  I feel so fortunate to have this alternative.  That's all for today.

bored again

I am so bored right now!!!!! It's still 11 days until school begins.  Damn it, I feel so unproductive.  That is all.  I did feel more productive yesterday taking pictures of all the bus benches in Willow Glen.  That was cool, but I didn't do anything interesting or fun today except work out at the gym.  Other wise I've been at home all day, doing pretty much nothing.  Well tomorrow is Living in the Solution mens meeting where I am the new secretary, I've got to get in touch with my chair person!  I really like that I'm the secretary, I feel responsible.

Anime Wallpapers Part 1

Here are some cute, cool, or sexy anime wallpapers I found from a link found to the right in my links section. I particularly like the ones where the girls are wearing headphones.  Saving the image or clicking on it will give you the full size version.

Yeah so this is the first post of many anime related wallpapers I will be posted to this blog.  I hope you enjoy or get to use them!