good day, good night

Well, hello everybody.  I'd like to thank my parents, my friends and all the lives I've touched along the way.  I've been a little quiet, guess you could possibly say I've been waiting for something to write about other than the gym or what games I've been playing or some long drawn out stream of my consciousness of romantic feelings which are present but don't need dire attention.  I am happy to say that today was a better day than the past few days.  The past few days shit hit the fan with a room mate and I, the guy I rent a room from and it ended with me discovering another one of my character defects for my sixth step work as well as me getting kicked out.  Before showing cause for concern, I'll have you know that I've found a place that seems like it will be better.  It's in the same neighborhood, closer to my gym, and about the same price.  I started looking on Craigslist for a place when I realized maybe people in recovery weren't always the best people to live with just because they're "in recovery" doesn't mean they are practicing noticeable spiritual principles.  Sadly, as much as I hoped would be the case, such was definitely NAAAGHHT the case.  I'm not going to go on a rant or talk shit, I have my own things I need to work on as well.  Anyways,  I found a guy renting a 24 ft long trailer in his backyard and have agreed to see it again once I know everything is working including the stoves, bathroom and water.  It's a little bigger than the room I've got now and its self contained!  It's like my own studio apartment and the guy has two fat fats (two fat cats).  He told me that I might even be able to get them to sleep with me in the trailer.  So stoked.  I love having a furball on my bed when time comes to sleep.  Will definitely need to look into a lent roller or 99.  The only downside (or upside?) would be I couldn't have any visitors but that's cool with me because this place would be only temporary for a couple of months until I can find someone in recovery with emotional sobriety.  The trailer is pretty sweet though, it reminds me of this trailer my grandparents used to have at this lake.  Sort of a really comforting feeling it gives me.  Anyways, I can get internet and TV through it as well.  Now I am going to play me some World at War.

Back on track

This whole summer was so slow for me.  I felt an overwhelming tidal wave of anhedonia after the end of it all.  All I did was play video games, lots of, go to meetings, and be incredibly obnoxious over Facebook posting all day about every random thought that passed through my head, I ended up making this blog so that I could still do  that, just not as arbitrarily.  I feel more regular to get up at 7 am even though my class starts at 9:30 I feel like its more relaxing to get extra time to get everything together.  I am considering leaving the place I rent from.  In their defense, they're the best room mates I've ever had, it's just not for me anymore.  Now that I know I am most likely without a doubt sticking around in CA instead of running back to GA with my tail tucked between my legs, I am ready to branch out to a better place for me.  This by no means is to say this is not a good place, it's just not as good for me as I'd like to feel serenity and like a sanctuary. I feel like there aren't as many spiritual principles being put in place and I'm picking up the slack.  I'm not perfect either and sometimes I'm paranoid that I'm being messed with just because they know I'm pretty observant.  Time to make some breakfast! =D

Oh and I remember this funny situation from the beginning of last year where I went over to raving friends house in Alameda and this was around the time I was trying to be something I wasn't and make money in ways I shouldn't.  I remember that I used to stash my stuff in this kind of air vent type of place in the middle console of the Volkswagen Golf I was driving at the time.  I remembered we were doing K and these kids wanted to roll, but being paranoid I had pushed the baggie with the pills in too far and they fell into the inside of the console under the radio in front of the cup holders.  I remember for a while having a go at fetching these out of the car but discouraged I stopped.  These persistent kids though...  At one point all I could see of them from the garage was their legs up in the air while they were upside down with a bone cutting knife trying to pry open the plastic.  Eventually they retrieved the pill baggie and I gave them some for their troubles.  That was around the time I stopped those foolish ventures and went on to bigger and better things (heroin and opiates).  Having had this memory I suddenly had a trigger to want to do ecstasy but I played the tapes of all the times I was rolling and they only one rolling how shitty it was, the times I was trying to have sex with a pretty unattractive girl, the times at big parties where I drank too much on ecstasy and felt pain in my chest but kept on going, the paranoia and fear of always having so much ecstasy on me and the anxiety of waiting for the connection to deliver, getting robbed for pill money at a party by a guy who felt I was stepping on his turf.  Or all the shittiest feelings after in the comedowns.  This list could go on.  I'm just really hungry.

And another thing, a story for all time

I heard a story recently at a meeting that I thought was really quite spiffy.  I was going to try to write it in my own words but I couldn't remember it so that the way I heard it would be they way whoever is reading this will understand it. It's a Native American tale told by a grandfather to his grandson who had a hard day after getting picked on by a group of boorish boys. (Got to use the word I learned to day in a sentences, double whoraw).  So behold!


"let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times. It is as if there are two wolves inside me, one is white and one is grey.

The White Wolf is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. But it will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

But, the grey Wolf, is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing. Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy, looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes, and asked "which one wins Grandfather?"

The Grandfather, smiled and said, "The one I feed the most."

From here  The way the guy at the meeting told the story was better than this.  Anyways.  I thought it was a cool metaphor for feeding your assets versus liabilities (character defects).  

an apple a day

That little expression about an apple a day always convinces me to eat the apple.  Besides, apples are quite delectable.  I think they are my favorite because they are a little sour and a little sweet, crunchy but never too much to eat.  Little rhyme action.  I found an apple in the refrigerator that was pretty old but still good.  I was famished when I got home tonight.  Today wasn't as slow as yesterday.  I took a day off from the gym to rest and I'm glad I did because I realized I had a doctor's appointment later in the evening up in Fairfield.  Seeing this as a good opportunity to retrieve a video game from a friend, available I told him that I'd be there in a bit.  He lives up in some shabby apartment infestation.  It sort of reminded me of the apartments I used to go get coke from.  Just plain and oldish, fall over if an elephant bumped into it.  No, on a serious note, they didn't look so bad.  I was happy to see him and appreciative that he kept my game in such great condition over the course of the year.  I am glad.  No scratches at all.  I'm especially glad because it made me feel like that sixty dollars I spent on the game was still mine.  Too much driving today, people were driving like trail mix without the M and M's, man.  I was not excited and sort of terrified.  All was well, made it back in one piece.  Explored a random town called Rodeo looking for a seven eleven, that place looked so run down, there was all those kids in their white tees that probably thought "yeah we're hella hard, blood."  I didn't stop to find out.  Assumptions are useless, I'm just writing to paint a picture with the limited supply of good paint I got right now.  Made it up to Fairfield with ample time to complete my homework I didn't do over the weekend.  Luckily my teacher postponed the quiz, gotta keep on my toes this week.  I start getting free tutoring from my school for math this friday so I believe that will only further ensure my understanding of the concepts, I'm not feeling completely comfortable and I don't like getting 7/10 ever.  Not when I'm not loaded.  I have very high expectations for school I guess.  Not necessarily a bad thing.

how delightful

the faint hint of perfume on a doodle from the library.

Worth the wait

This past week flew by then upon a mutually followed agreement has screeched to a halt into slo-mo.  I'm excite, NAUUGHHT!  School tomorrow will give me something to do, with the gym I always have something to do.  I'm pretty excited to have planned out a schedule with the school counselor where I'm taking all classes geared towards business administration.  Goals I have this week are working to filter my thoughts when I speak to convey the right message, try not to take anything personally.  I feel like I'm going nuts!  Patience is one area that lacks finesse in my life.  I am willing though!  I'm so sore.  I punished my muscles quite rigorously today.  Specifically my back.  Every time I've tried to massage it, it seems to become worse.  There's this neat thing at the gym that will help but that doesn't help me now!!  I feel pretty good other than that.  There are many things I have to be grateful for today.  I got a pretty cool post-it notepad today.  That was probably the only exciting thing that happened.  I'm gonna sleep good tonight!
*dissipates*

triple feature

Today I needed a pretty comprehensive distraction.  GREAT SUCCESS!  It's alright, I'm happy to step up to a challenge to change patterns of old behaviors that have gotten me no where.  What started off as a trip to Target turned into seeing three movies.  I was planning to go see a movie today anyways not just... three.  I really enjoy binging on all the crappy looking "horror" movies the only difference was I used to watch them once they were available on demand on Comcast.  I played the "you've never seen a movie at this theater" card and bought a ticket to see Let Me In.  It was a cool concept but not enough action.   OH OH! I forgot.  Lots of espresso.  Then I wandered back down, looked at the times and deciding only to watch the crappy movies I wouldn't really want to take someone to, I picked Devil, a bought another ticket.  I liked this movie the best.  The movie had healthy levels of suspense, brutality, recovery references? and even an actor from one of my favorite movies, Supertroopers, (the snozzberries kid).  For the grand finale, I decided to see Case 39 (unitalicized for a reason).  Non-deserving of proper punctuation. Side note: I looked up proper MLA format to make sure I was correct and happily found my memory to be pretty intact.  I remember when I was using last year, I couldn't remember in general and it irked me so much I just said the hell with it and continued using.  How foolish I was!  Well, today I've found more faith in myself just as the JFT said.  When I went to Starbucks downstairs to get my third drink, the girl looked at me as if I was crazy, and in my defense I barely touched the drink (its still sitting my car, I'll drink it tomorrow).  Back to Case 39.  I would not recommend this movie to anyone.  Now I'm a la casa, winding down with disc 1 of Buffy season 5.  Did not even shop at Target haha.  Tomorrow's a new day.  I also was planted with a situation that caused me to think wow, I'm pretty revolted, but not sure where to direct the feeling.  I'm pretty embarrassed by the outcome...and out of a pair of nice sunglasses I was fond of.  I don't just lose my sunglasses.  Remind me not to put stuff down around strangers in the theater.  Note, I am not one hundred percent sure that they were yoinked but its the first thing I've lost in recovery.  Funny thing, it didn't bother me as much as I thought.  I remember tearing up my apartment, accusing everyone of stealing from me, checking my friends friends pockets, only to find what I lost where I hide it.   I'd always be hiding things when I was loaded and then forget where I put it.  This occurred on several occasions.  Several painfully embarrassing occasions.  Today I am grateful to have roommates I trust around my personal items and thats what matters.  I was just pissed slightly, it was basically losing a bill.  I'll accept it as a life lesson nothing more nothing less.  Repeating the same mistakes, expecting different results, INSANITY!  Sort of a good mantra.

hopeless romantics

We are certain a breed of our own.  I was listening to a recommendation given by a friend and a particular lyrics really seemed to described the feeling that I had experienced and that quote was a follows:
I fell into yesterday.
Our dreams seemed not far away.
I want to, I want to, I want to stay
I fell into fantasy.
I went to two meetings tonight, heard a lot of great things that I needed to hear.  When I was real real new, I came up with this top notch pop culture analogy of how I felt in recovery.   When I'm out in the world, I'm like Neo in the Matrix, and I'm trying to make it back to the Oracle for "exactly what I needed to hear" and my disease is waiting outside my ship in the manifestation of a sentinel wriggling its arms wildly closing in on me as I lay plugged into a fantasy world created by a false believe system.  I was pretty proud of my analogy, and since then I've said it at a meeting and got some laughs.  I liked that.  When I make people laugh I feel accepted.  

Be still my heart

I appreciate the outside perspective stepping in and taking charge of situations sometimes when I need help.  I'm a bit of a spazz when it comes to emotional filter, slow is the step I skip over rushing up the stairs on my way somewhere.  It's either stop or go.  Working on that.  I would like to change that.  I know its not appropriate.  I feel slightly embarrassed for being unable to show restraint.   It's like planting a seed in ground that is softening but not ready for any nutrients or organism to open shop.  It's unhealthy to be so forwards with my feelings.  I'm feeling afraid I'm not doing the right thing.  Today I had a quiz in my math class, this week I got all possible points on the homework quiz.  There were only a few problems on the quiz today that I had difficulty figuring out how to do.  The polynomial factorization with the AC method is always annoying.  I absolutely do not like them.  My room mates seem to be acting different lately, in a good way, like we're getting along and that thick tension isn't there.  I am pretty pleased with that.  I feel like as long as I don't step on any toes and be careful I can stay here longer.  I realized today that a lot of what my room mate may have been doing was just messing with me because for the past month I've been playing passive aggressive chess in the kitchen with items in the dry rack or the towel that hangs off the silverware drawer and I believe that its come down to a tie.  Today there were two pans laid in random places but out of the way and I knew I did not touch those pans because I had ended up buying my own.  I bought my own because I didn't want to have to "not clean it to their standards" and have it placed on the counter or in front of the trash can on the floor to say "hey! you didn't clean this right."  Most likely, this happening is just looney business.  A fabricated assumption that is getting me nowhere with getting along peacefully with my room mates.  Making assumptions is a very hard thing for me not to make because I like to think I'm always right.  I am grateful that I have tools like writing this blog entry to take the power away from my kooky and frenetic mind.  When that part of my mind turns on, its on like Shere Khan, not just your soft hum of the friendly household appliance.  It's loud, it's fierce and it has a gun.  That gun is my fear and it has lazar sight.  I was told by a friend that thinking people are out to get you more than usual can be a side effect of long periods of amphetamine use.  Environment and experience, nature and nurture, together I am a very fearful person and very sensitive.  I know that if I continue upon this path I've found that I will overcome all of this.  It's Friday! That's exciting, in a bit I am going to get some donuts for the boys downtown at the mens meeting to snack on while they get feed with recovery!  I've been getting cookies but it's time to mix it up!  Haha this helped me remember we need some cups as well.  I'm really thankful I will be going to two meetings back to back tonight.  Last week was sort of stressful.  I couldn't find anyone available to come chair the meeting.  I ended up calling a bunch of people from the meeting and eventually it was taken care of.  Anyways, I'm done here, it has served it's purpose.  Evening.